♪ Thank you for being a friend
♪ Traveled down the road and back again
♪ Your heart is true
♪ You're a pal and a confidant
♪ And if you threw a party
♪ Invited everyone you knew
♪ You would see
♪ The biggest gift would be from me
♪ And the card attached would say
♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪
Ma, what's wrong with you?
You've been leaving the toilet seat up all week.
Thank God, I thought I was losin' weight.
Oh, girls, I have great news!
I just talked to my daughter, Janet,
and she and my granddaughter, Sarah, are comin' to visit in a couple of days.
Oh, I've never been so happy.
Janet? Isn't she the daughter who hates you?
Well, that didn't last long, did it?
Oh, no, no. She doesn't really hate me, Sophia.
We just don't see eye to eye.
But now this is my big chance. Girls, you've gotta help me.
What is somethin' the three of us could do together?
Well, we could sneak into Rose's room,
put on some of her hayseed dresses,
then do imitations of her. No, no, no, not the three of us.
I mean Janet and Sarah and I.
Oh, the three of you.
I don't care.
You're no help at all, Sophia.
Dorothy, do you have any ideas?
Well, you know, my idea of a good time...
Oh, God, I'm dead.
I am so mad.
I just got a letter from back home all about my high school reunion.
I didn't know I was gonna miss such a good time.
Listen to this, "Dear Rose, you sure did miss a good time.
"The precision drill team wasn't the same without you.
"We could only spell out St. Oaf."
You know, Rose, you didn't get to go to your high school reunion
because you weren't feeling well.
Maybe if you'd been to see a doctor, you could've gone.
You don't understand. I'm from St. Olaf.
St. Olaf is farm country.
We're rough and rugged. We never see doctors. Never.
In fact, my great-grandfather once removed his neighbor's appendix
and he wasn't even sick.
Why would he do that?
Let's just say they were playing poker
and the stakes got a little high.
Rose, you have been looking pale and drawn the last two weeks.
You ought to see a doctor.
Blanche is right. You should see a doctor.
It's just indigestion,
and I'm a little tired from working hard.
Oh, come on, Rose, you're playing with your health here.
You're crazy.
Oh, I'm crazy, am I?
You think I'm crazy, do you?
Well, I'll tell you something else.
In St. Olaf, we don't believe in psychiatrists either.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, good, you're all here.
(CHUCKLING) Saturday night, of course you're all here.
Well, before I go out, listen to what I found in the personals.
"Last call for all those who graduated
"from East Miami High, class of '52.
"Don't miss our 40th reunion party."
What does that have to do with us?
Well, look, Rose, you know you missed your high school reunion
because you didn't feel well?
Here's your chance to go to one.
And for Dorothy and me to meet some men.
Me, too! Me, too!
Let's say you and Rose and I do go,
won't they know that we haven't been to that school?
Yeah, how do we stop that from happening?
Dorothy, these people went to school 40 years ago.
They won't know each other anymore.
Why, you and Rose and I will blend right in.
We'll just blend right in. Smooth.
You know, I did feel bad about missing my high school reunion.
And Miles is out of town,
and with you guys there I know I'd have fun.
You know, this is ridiculous, but I say let's do it.
It'll be a lark.
We'll be just like the Three Musketeers. All for one...
And one for all!
Oh, wait a minute. What about Ma?
Thank you, pussycat.
We'll have to get a sitter.
No more sitters. We're still in litigation with the last one.
She bit me first.
You're gonna come with us, but you have to be prepared.
Now, I'm gonna go by the school library
and pick up some old yearbooks.
We have to know all the basics.
You know, like, oh, senior class president,
quarterback of the football team, class slut.
Blanche, how do you tell a slut from a yearbook?
Oh. How do you tell a slut from a yearbook?
Um...
You don't have to buy a yearbook dinner.
Rose.
You can take a yearbook home to your parents.
Rose.
There's nothing wrong with having a yearbook
on the coffee table.
Rose, this isn't a riddle!
Well, make it one. I had three good answers.
Well, I'm ready for the reunion.
What do you think? Hmm?
Oh, pussycat, I think you haven't changed a bit since your prom.
Really? No, I'm lying.
Gee, why do you press me on these things?
Look, you're not going to spoil this for me.
Tonight, I get to be the person I want to be.
No baggage. I am free.
Nobody has to know that I haven't fulfilled my dreams,
or that I got pregnant in high school,
or that I stay home on Saturday nights.
Then what the hell am I supposed to talk about?
Rose, all I'm sayin' is, I just want to make sure you're prepared.
Look, I studied that yearbook as hard as you did.
Ask me anything. Anything.
Okay, I will. What were the school colors?
Uh, gee... brick and a kind of a cementy color between the bricks.
Rose, be serious.
All right, ask me something else.
Um, all right, how many fingers did the shop teacher have?
Nine. Oh, that's too easy.
All shop teachers have nine.
Rose Nylund, you haven't memorized anything, have you?
You're just gonna walk in there tonight totally unprepared
and the first words out of your mouth are gonna be wrong,
and you're gonna get us all kicked out!
Well, I'm feeling pretty tired.
Maybe I just shouldn't go.
Wait a minute. You're deliberately trying to get out of going.
To tell you the truth, I think I'm a little afraid.
Afraid of what? Afraid of looking stupid.
Ho!
I think this whole thing is wrong.
I mean, we're going to this reunion and deceiving people
and changing our past histories.
To me, that's almost like lying.
And that's against everything I am.
Rose, what's the natural color of your hair?
I'll get the car.
Where have you been?
When no one was looking, I went by the "no show" table
and I got four nametags for us.
Blanche, you'll be Susan Armstrong.
And, Dorothy, you'll be Cindy Lou Peeples.
And, Sophia, you're Myron Zucker.
Rose, you idiot. There's no way I'm ever gonna pass for a man.
Dorothy, trade with me?
Go to hell, Myron.
Rose, I don't want to wear this.
Oh, come on. I looked in the yearbook
and you're a dead ringer for Cindy Lou Peeples.
I don't know.
Trust me. It'll work or my name isn't Kim Fung-Toi.
I'm gonna go stand with those women over there
so I'll be less conspicuous.
Why do you say that?
Well, Dorothy, you remember, the pretty girls always travel in packs.
Rose, you all right?
I just feel a little faint. I...
I think getting together with my old friends is starting to get to me.
Rose, you don't know anybody here.
So the snubbing isn't race-oriented?
Oh, God, you know I really hate reunions.
I mean, everybody is so plastic and fake.
Everybody pretending to be something they're not.
Why can't people just be themselves?
Cindy Lou Peeples? Tommy Lunt?
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Excuse me. Aren't you Mrs. Gonzales?
Spanish 101?
Si.
Hi, Larry Tucker.
You know, I--I was always afraid to tell you this when I was in your class,
but I had a huge crush on you back then.
Why didn't you ever do anything about it?
Mrs. Gonzales, you were my teacher.
And you were my favorite student.
Well, I'm not your teacher anymore,
and Mr. Gonzales is dead.
Let's mambo.
Susan? Susan Armstrong?
Ted? Ted O' Brien? My, my, my.
Why, you would not believe how often
I've thought about you over the years.
I'll bet.
I remember our one date when I told you I didn't like girls
and you told everyone.
Everyone.
Well, guess what?
I still don't like girls and I don't like you.
Ted? Ted!
Oh, who cares.
So I guess the most interesting thing about the tar business is...
Well, actually, I have to pick two things
because it's impossible to pick one.
Well, anyway, the two most interesting things
about the tar business are the tar itself,
and the number of shoes you go through.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm probably boring you.
Enough about me. Let's talk about you.
So, where do you get your tar?
I lost my first husband in a tar pit. Excuse me.
Well, if it isn't Susan Armstrong.
Oh, and don't you look handsome, Bill.
Wow, you haven't aged a bit. I've missed you.
Really, Susan? How about our baby?
The one my parents raised? Do you ever miss him?
You know, it isn't really good to dwell on the past.
Um, so what do you do for a livin'?
Bill? Bill?
(CLUCKS) Oh, who cares.
Uh, may I have your attention, please? We'd like to get started.
Cindy Lou Peeples? You look incredible.
Well, thank you.
You remember our Korean exchange student,
Kim Fung-Toi?
Oh, sure. You look different.
Different on outside. Same on inside.
Hi, I'm Pete Fielder.
Senior class president.
Oh, my God, it's the president!
Rose. I'm gonna try something.
Look, there's a tar salesman.
Oh, my God, it's a tar salesman!
Hello and welcome. I hope you're all enjoying yourself.
But it's now the moment we've all been waiting for.
Oh, I'm tired of being Cindy Peeples.
Her life is almost as boring as mine.
Oh, let's go home, Dorothy, Rose. Okay, okay, Blanche.
And now, the king and queen of the prom,
Danny Farrell and Cindy Lou Peeples!
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
(BAND PLAYING FANFARE)
I'm queen! I'm queen!
Oh, Ma, Ma, I'm queen of the prom.
I'm proud of you, Cindy Lou.
I'm queen.
This is sad. This is so sad.
Hold it. You're not Cindy Lou Peeples.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I brought my mother. She'll vouch for me.
Yes. That--That's Mrs. Gonzales.
Uh, si.
They're both impostors. Run, Ma, run!
BLANCHE: No.
Dorothy!
Do you see what you've done?
You've upset Kim Fung-Toi.
Rose? Dorothy, she's not kidding.
Oh, my God. Somebody get help!
BLANCHE: Rose. Rose.
(AMBULANCE SIREN WAILING)
Why won't they tell us how she is?
Blanche, be patient.
We've been here over an hour, Dorothy.
Oh, God. What if she's already dead
and they're just tryin' to figure out some way to tell us?
She is not dead.
I remember when people used to die at Shady Pines.
I hated the way the nurses used to break the news.
"Guess who's getting two desserts tonight?"
It was so transparent.
Oh, my God, Dorothy, I just had another horrible thought.
What if Rose had a major stroke?
What if she is left completely unable to care for herself?
What would we do?
We would bring her home. That's what we would do.
If she had a stroke, we'd take care of her. She's family.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Right. And then we'd send her to Shady Pines.
Thank you.
Oh, this is all my fault.
This is all my fault.
Blanche, what are you talking about? Well, don't you see?
I was the one who knew she wasn't feelin' well,
and yet I insisted she go to that old reunion.
(SIGHS) How can I be so self-centered?
I couldn't even hear a cry for help.
Oh, all I ever think about is me.
Me, me, me, me, me, me, me.
Blanche, we all knew she wasn't feeling well.
Do you mind, I'm talkin' about me.
Blanche, listen to me.
All we can do for Rose now is say a prayer.
Oh, been a long time since I've said a prayer.
I don't think God even knows who I am anymore.
God, Blanche. Blanche, God. Go ahead.
Dear God, I know it's been an awful long time
since I've done this, and I'm sorry.
You have given me a lot to be thankful for.
My wonderful children,
my health, a beautiful body, legs to die for.
A face that is stunningly sexy
and yet has the innocence of a child,
with luscious lips that just invite...
He knows what you look like, Blanche.
Yes, you know what I look like
and I just wanted to say good job.
Oh, but, dear God, I do have a favor to ask.
Could you please spare my friend Rose?
Now, I know I haven't been perfect,
but if you can just let her live,
I promise I'll try to be a better person.
And if, in your infinite wisdom, you decide
to start the aging process on me,
I will understand.
And I promise
I will not have sex with anyone
unless they really, really need it.
Amen.
Hi. Are you waiting for news on Rose Nylund?
Yes, we are, Doctor. How is she?
I've just seen her and she's fine.
Oh, thank God. Oh, we were so worried.
She had a very mild cardiac episode. No permanent damage.
And you can see her
just as soon as we get her moved into a room.
Oh! Did you hear that? Rose is fine.
My prayer was answered.
Who knows? Maybe that's what did it.
I know I was doing some praying.
All I know is Rose is gonna be okay.
And I am gonna stick by my promise.
Boy, from now on, you're gonna see a new, improved Blanche.
I've just talked to the nurse.
Mrs. Nylund is in her room and she wants to see you.
Oh, thank you, Doctor.
Room 114.
By the way, I don't think I caught your name.
I'm Blanche.
Well, Blanche, I hope I can see you outside the hospital.
Maybe we can have dinner some night?
Oh, well, do you... Do you really need to?
I mean, do you really, really need to?
Well, I don't really need to.
Then I'm sorry, but I can't.
Oh, you are a vengeful God.
Oh, girls, thank God you're here.
I'm sorry I scared you.
The doctor just wants me to stay here overnight for observation.
Honey, don't be sorry. We're just so happy you're feeling better.
She's right. Now, you just take it easy, Rose.
I think this scare really touched all of us.
I found myself bargaining with God.
I promised him that if you were all right,
there'd be a lot less sex and a lot more church.
I'm sorry. I--I thought you were making a joke to raise my spirits.
We all got a second chance. I realized I wasn't living up to my potential.
I'm gonna find out what I'm good at.
Take an aptitude test.
Maybe go to law school.
Oh, Ma, come on, you'll be 96 when you get out.
I'll be 96 anyway.
Well, since everyone is making promises,
and in celebration of Rose's miraculous recovery,
I've decided I'm gonna go out more.
What, she's gonna be a lawyer and I can't go out?
You know, I've never been afraid of dying.
That's 'cause I'm not gonna stay dead.
I'm gonna get frozen.
I read a magazine article on cryogenics.
I mean, they freeze you,
and then when they find a cure for what you've got,
they bring you back to life.
Oh, Rose, there is no proof of that working.
Oh, they've had great success with the Arctic beetle.
You have nothin' in common with the Arctic beetle.
Think that one through.
Well, I've heard it's really expensive.
Not if you just do your head.
What? I want to preserve my brain.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Oh, we're sorry. We thought you were makin' a little joke
to raise our spirits.
No, I want to get my head frozen
and I want you to promise me you'll help me with this.
All right, if it'll make you happy,
I will see that your head gets to the cryogenics people.
And Blanche'll help me, too.
Well, I do have George's old bowling ball bag.
And I need your solemn promises
that you'll have your heads frozen, too.
Oh, honey. No, no, no, no, Rose, I don't think so.
Oh, well, I'm sorry.
I thought we were friends.
And friends do little things for each other, like get their heads frozen.
Okay, we'll be good friends and have our heads frozen, too.
(LAUGHING)
What?
I was just thinking about what Dorothy said about getting out more.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
(GASPS)
Grammy! Oh, sweetie-pie.
Janet, how was the trip?
Fine. Fine.
You come over here and sit down next to Grandma.
Oh, give me a hug.
Oh, you, too. You're so beautiful. You're so sweet.
Can we go to Monkey Village, Grandma?
Why, yes, darlin'.
We can go anywhere and do anything you want
on God's magnificent Earth.
Boy, you're sure in a good mood for a Sunday mornin'.
Uh-oh. Sarah and I can wait in the kitchen if you need a few minutes
to say goodbye to Uncle whoever.
No, no, no, nothin' like that.
Well, I thought maybe the three of us
could go to church together just like good people.
Oh, you know how I feel about organized religion.
It makes me crazy.
And I do not want Sarah's head
filled with stories about a God
who may or may not exist.
Well, honey, of course He exists.
Just look at the beautiful sky, the majestic trees.
God created man and gave him a heart and a mind
and thighs that could crack walnuts.
Mother.
Oh, I'm sorry. I came to religion late.
I'd say. But it's never too late.
And it is my fervent hope that the three of us,
you and I and dear little Sarah, may walk
the path of righteousness together.
And now, if you will excuse me,
I have Gideon Bibles for everyone.
I miss sexy Grandma.
I'm sure a lot of people do, darlin'.
I'm sure a lot of people do.
Rose? Rose?
Look at this. Vaseline.
BENGAY.
Ooh, wow, look at this wonderful thermometer!
Ouch! Stop me, I'm like a kid in a candy store.
Ma, don't take that stuff.
Come on, pussycat.
They expect us to take it. It's like hotel soap.
Oh, excuse me. We're here to pick up our friend.
Are they doing some tests before they let her go?
Rose Nylund?
I'm sorry to have to tell you this,
but she went into cardiac arrest.
They're prepping her for surgery.
Oh, my Lord. Oh, my Lord.
(SIGHS)